This is the reason I met my husband. The darkness in me.
In April 2011, I gave up on God. I gave up on pretty much
everything. See I had hundreds of thousands of things knock me down, but nothing
like this, nothing I could not get back up from. Honestly I had a bad
childhood, but I always had one person who was there every step of the way my
brother, Dusty. He was my baby, I changed his diapers, I fed him, and I gave
him baths. I was a year and a nine months when he was born. In my eyes my
brother was perfection at its finest. I was one of those crazy moms who watch
their kids do something wrong and swear up and down that they could not hurt a
fly even though they just did, but I was not his mom I was his big sister. This
made me his protector and his guider. For a long long time he was my heart and
soul, my reason for living. I guess I should also say we fought like cats and
dogs, but he was still my baby.
The reason we fought was because we did not know anything
else, my father, James, was a very abusive man fiscally and emotionally. He use
to beat me and my brother for almost no reason, not saying we where angels, but
one time he beat us for leaving out baseball trophies out in the play house. This
was the only life we knew. So we fought.
To honestly say that statement breaks my heart. Having my
daughter now and I could never imagine being that cruel. I never could before
but I will do anything to protect anything like that from ever happening to
her. *Pshhh some people are just ignorant*
As we grew up we had a savior. Her name was Donna and she
was our aunt, but she raised us and that made her our mom. (I will tell about
her later)
The reason for me telling you the few captions above…
In April 2011 my brother was murdered, by one of his “friends”.
The day I went back to that town I thought it was some kind of sick joke. Maybe
my car had just got stolen and burned. There couldn’t really be bodies in
there, and if there was it could not be my baby. Then when it was confirmed it
was my world stopped and I looked up and saw that the real world did not. I was
so angry how everyone could keep going like nothing happened!?!?!? My world had
just been ripped apart in seconds, and they acted like nothing was going on.
That is when I turned my back on God. How could after everything Dusty and I
had gone through how could God do this. I had accepted everything before because
God had a plan for me, but this I could not accept.
My brother was no angel. He had a long battle with all drugs,
(At the time he died he was clean) his hardest battle was heroin. The reason
for this battle was men of this earth. We had been abandoned by our mother and
father. These people that where meant to keep us safe and love us where our
biggest disappointments. Then when Dusty was 11 he was molested by someone he
trusted a family member none the lease and a man. At this time we where living
in Peggs, OK, we didn’t have food, water, or electricity. There was a hole in
the floor of the kitchen. We where the “stinky” kids. We went to live with our
birth mother shortly after things just kept getting worse, but it never felt
like there was room for us there. She had her daughter, Shelby, who was her
pride and joy and twins on the way.
So we went to live with our mom Donna, but I think there is
only so much damage a person can take before they are unfixable, without the
Lord, and I think those things he would not let erase. That life of disappointment
became normal for my brother. So he brought people in that would disappoint him
and he would try to fix them. I think he thought if he fixed them it would fix
him and account for all the wrongs he had made.
The person who killed him was a kid, 19, him and my brother
where friends. They where in my car. He was shot in the back of the head with a
sawed of shotgun. The front part of his skull was missing it took them two
weeks to identify him because there was barley any left of him. They could not
do DNA testing because he burnt the car and the body so bad there was barley
anything left of either, the metal rims melted off. There was another kid with
them Alex, who we basically grew up with, that, was murdered that day as well.
He shot him there were hundreds of pellets in his head and then he smashed Alex
head in with a rock and burned him as well.
In high sight it was probably the best thing for my brother,
to head home to live with God. My brother had just started making his way back
to the Lord when this happened. He had a twisted soul, and it was from men of
this earth. Not our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
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